What the %$#

This if for anyone who has had to endure stuff that left you dumbfounded...case in point, I lived in a town a little over a year ago that left me thinking what the %$#...one reason I went to a Church's chicken rest. you know the one, the one that is supposed to sell nothing but chicken. Well I had a long day at work and had decided I did not want to make dinner that night so I decided to go and pick up a box of chicken, so I thought...dumb me...I pull up and order the box of chicken nothing hard just any box of chicken...eight pieces, me and husband decided would do..not to be so...we order , she proceeds to tell us the amount..pull around she says...ok..off we go..there I am picturing these tasty morcels smothered in Red Devil the liquid of choice for meat...and we go...pull up to the window, roll down our window, see the lady and then her lips move..slow motion as the words come out "W E H A V E NO C H I C K E N ".....what!!!!!!!my heart freezes the wind stops as my ears start pounding this horendous loud pounding..THUMP, THUMP...ok maybe not that dramatic...but none the less...Im speechless...confused....no chicken???NO CHICKEN..the words run through my mind over and over again...wait.. I look outside, yep, it says Church's chicken on the sign...what happened??I look at this girl, woman, person who is robbing me of my night off from cooking...please tell me I think to myself that some mad man came in and stole your chicken...better yet, some really fat person came in just 2 seconds before me and ordered all the chicken...don't tell me you are out of chicken so coldly and as a matter of factly...but she did...this person had no compassion for me...her blood ran cold..her eyes had no emotion..do I not hurt and bleed as anyone else I think...after the pain, I get angry and I want to run up to the flag pole in front of this so called Church's chicken and point to the flag hanging outside and yell THIS IS AMERICA AND I WANT MY CHICKEN DAMMIT!!!!...I jump out of my car and run into this place...this robber of appetite..this building of dream shattering thieves and pull the woman over the counter and yell in her face...you have to have chicken...she calls the police...I spend the night in jail...and make the papers....headlines read CRAZY WOMEN WANTS HER CHICKEN...it says what I say, is this not America..land of the free...home to all races...maker of dreams...all I wanted was my chicken...we go to court I sue Church's for false advertisement...they have to sign a new law ALL CHICKEN PLACES MUST HAVE CHICKEN....I become famous and people all over the land thank me for my bravery...ok so all that did not happen and snapped out of my trance and drive away chickenless....and hungry...take heed all my fellow Americans..what is a chicken place without chicken? that's like Taco Bell without beans and tortillas...UnAmerican I say....Beware Mr. Church's chicken I have your number and maybe some day there will some crazy woman taking you to court..maybe not me..but somebody..and so I leave thinking what the $#@...until next time.....good day...Julia

Wisdom to live by.....(well sorta)

This piece if for all the wonderful things my mom has taught me over the years....I now know if my child is crying inconsolable it might be the culprit "the ojo", this is one subject my sis in law has hit on in her blogs...just the other day my son who is about 11 months old appeared very upset and for he life of me I could not get him to stop..out popped the egg and glass of water, of course only half full as to not distort the findings of the almighty egg then my mom made the sign of the cross all over my wailing son and said her prayers in spanish she cracked the egg and dumped it into the glass and low and behold the egg seemed somewhat cooked..yes, I know come on, maybe the egg wasn't collected in time and the yolk got further along then it should have...but I'll be damned my son quit crying and his beautiful blue eyes returned turn to their natural shine...I know alot of people have tried to be logical about the whole thing...but nonetheless it still worked...another one my mom used to tell me that while I was pregnant if I did not satisfy my cravings then the baby would always have his mouth open...egads...can't have that so I used that to get whatever I wanted and whenever I wanted it...ok that one worked to my benefit...but when I just felt like lieing around doing nothing my mom would come up with if you lay around then the baby will get to stuck to the walls...walls? I did not know I was built like a condo...anyway couldn't have that ...mental image of my baby stuck to the walls(although I did not know what walls) with his mouth open ..nothing like scaring a pregnant women...then came the good stuff...I would come home in the evenings and my mom and grandmother would have this lemon cut in fours almost to the point of it splitting ,put on an open flame and set afire...when I asked what it is was for I was told to ward off the evil spirits...no doubt they would leave the smell alone was enough to run off the dead...my favorite has to be what my grandma who is now deceased told me"never date a man who's butt is bigger than yours"...No, I have not figured out what she meant but I sure have had fun staring at mens butts....now you know the rest of the story.....good day......Julia

Daddy...

This piece is dedicated to my sweet dad who passed away in November of 2003 , a day after Thanksgiving...I was there when my dad left this world and that will forever will be burned in my mind..to anyone who has never seen a loved one leave this earth it is two different things..calming watching your loved one who is suffering leave this world with final breath and crushing holding back your words of plea for them not to leave you...I got to the hospital around 7pm I believe and met up with his three sisters who were all sitting around discussing how my father looked better than he had the night before...some info so you may understand better...daddy had been admitted one week earlier with a fever and complaining of pain to his left side..the night he was admitted I met the nurse and attendents at the hospital they explained to me he had a slight fever..daddy had been in the hospital more times than I could remember due to having have had at least 7 strokes...anyway, I figured this will be like all the other times he will be here a few days and then be released...not to be so...I begin to give the nurse daddy's info when he tells me his head and side hurt..I ask the nurse to give something for the pain,,she replies I will give him some Tylenol...hmm I think this wont do it..as does my dad who then begs for a pain killer,,keep in mind this man is or was one of the strongest men I ever knew so I knew it had to be serious for him to request that. I finally convince the nurse to give him something strong, she relunctently gives him a pain killer..he tells me his side hurts again with a pleading voice..I finally convince the nurse to order some x-rays, of course she reminds me that I am not a doctor..but gets the ok for the test...low and behold my dad has a collasped lung..off to intensive care he goes and straight on to the life support system..daddy is in his right mind the whole time and is communicating through blinks for his needs and wants ...he lets me know on a daily basis by pulling out this machine that he wants the system taken off,,,doctors explain this could end his life he indicates this is exactly what he wants as he is tired...back to his final night...the sisters leave and now its me and him..I let him know I am there...he stares at me with no expression but a tear rolls down his face...excuse me for second this is hard...8pm the doctor comes in and explains that since the life support has been taken off Respite will be brought in to help deal with the grief while he passes..ok this will happen in the morning...all set...9pm nurse comes in to take away his breathing treatments as she gently explains since daddy's lung never expanded there was no use for it...I think to myself..damm them taking his machine..10pm I get my CD player and put in Vicente Fernandez, daddy's favorite Mariachi singer and me and him listen to the whole thing as we used to when I would bathe him...the CD player blares out a song that translated sings of eyes of closing and how much the other person wants to be with him...I comb his hair and whisper in his ear how much I love him and love and love him...I sing the song to him and hold him and tell him it's ok that he wants to leave , he has suffered for six long years...long years....in the back of my mind I think 'dont leave me dad, but keep it to myself...2:30am he still stares at me with a lost look but his breathing is now slower and slightly shallow...through the night I tell him how much he's loved by all 7of his kids and his wife,my mom....I tell him again I understand if you have to go all the while my heart breaking over and over again with each painful breath...4:30am his breathing has changed..shallow and fast and that's when I get the courage to ask him a question"do you want to leave?"he blinks twice and in that split second my childhood passed before me, all the times he held me, the ice cream floats he made me..the box he once gave me to put my dreams into..the times he held my kids and kissed me, the times I would leave his room and he would blow small kisses to me with his little finger...the funny things he would say"hot,diggidy dog" the way he would cringe when a feminine commercial would come on....I knew then he was leaving soon...morning came and around 8:30 am he got sick and threw up in his oxygen mask, I kindly ask the nurses to take him a sponge bath, as daddy never liked to be dirty..I went up to daddy and explained to him I would be back....I go and call the family and remind them they must get up there soon as he did not sound well...15 minutes later I return to find the head nurse in search of me..call your family dear..your dad is close....this hurt to hear , what I already knew...I went up to daddy's bed and told him not to go anywhere..this was a personal joke between myself and him as he was bedridden he would laugh and say ok,,this time he did not laugh...I asked the nurse to stay with him...she complied....I went and made the phone calls again...I returned 5minutes later went up to his bed and said daddy I am back.....he then took his last breath and left.....excuse me again....my dad waited until I came back and then honored me with allowing me to see him enter the next stage....his freedom from the body that had confined him for the past six years...I was left in shock...confused., hurt, scared..lonely..afraid..my dad left....in a blink of an eye he left...as he left I saw him once more giving me kisses with his little finger for the last time...I then fell apart...I notified the family sometime that morning....went and closed out some of his personal business and then returned home to talk to my family and assure them he passed peacefully and with dignity..my father had left...I still think about him daily and the many things that he taught me...he taught me to love without hesitation in his final years...my brother is alot like my father and at times I smile when I see my brother not only because he looks just like him but because he acts like him...I feel my father around me sometimes...some say its my imagination, but I don't think so...he's here....Daddy I love you..I miss you..my hero, my favorite maker of ice cream floats....my daddy.....

ahh children....

Ok this one is dedicated to all those wonderful little human beings we call children..what to do with them I ask...well I am sure alot of people could come up with some ideas...but let me tell you a tell of woe ...a torrid tale of woe that begins and ends with my second born child"Joshua"..Well there I am feeding my 10 1/2 month old the "Devinmiester" who by the way is bucking like a small bull just let out of a hot room in need of a cold shower..He comes and proudly announces Mom it's official my hermit crab "crabby " just tried to pinch me to which I, like most moms remind him of the wonderful instructions that accompanied this odd creature...."do not hold your pet crab in an enclosed fist as he will have ample skin to pinch and this may frighten your crab...obviously some things fall on deaf ears...anyway...he then proceeds to walk away and then maybe 5 seconds later I hear blood curldling screams at the top of his sweet lungs...I promptly run to the scene of the crime and take mental notes of what I am seeing..a boy holding his hand and a small crab crawling away from the scene as fast as his little claws will take him...I finally get my son to calm down long enough to collect his wounded hand and the poor criminal that committed this act of self defense...I picture this little crab shaking his little claw at my son and saying some vile words of profanity like %$#@*&...fast foward about 5 minutes, I remind him once more of the things I had explained to him of the hermit crabs, because it is my motherly job to somewhat rub it in his face in order for him to learn his lesson....I tell him of the small animal who was plucked away from his watery home and thrown into a large aquariam of other unfortunate crabs and then sold to the highest bidder....I tell him think of this poor animal who was not given a chance or choice as to where he would spend his life..and the family he left behind, maybe a spouse, off springs...ok ok, maybe I took it a little too far....let me clear my throat...anyway...I tell him its time to take a shower, he agrees but I remind him not to play in the shower as this could lead to mishaps,he replies I do not play in the shower, I remind him of the fact that the shower is attached to the wall by my bed and I heard him giving the shower karate kicks and chops...he then realizes there is no winning this agruement so quietly goes to take his shower...I then settle down to watch some TV of sorts..when again I hear the screams of terror this time coming from the shower..no I think surely the crab did not make it to the bathroom. I run to the back and open the door to find my mighty son propped up somewhat with left arm all the way in the toilet and his lower torso laying on the floor...again I survey the area and take notes...first the shower is running and I see wet foot prints on the floor evidence of him getting in and out of the shower...a no, no,..then I notice his arm is soaking in a toilet of waste...urine and nuggets of lunch...leave it to your imagination....I ask "Josh, you were playing in the shower, werent you?" he replies through tears "yes mom" and then I say" did I not tell you not to?" he replies "yes, mom". and although at this point I am hurting for him I realize I cannot let him think this is ok...I help him up and commence to watching him finish showering to insure against any further accidents..the drama is over for my son...my strong Joshua keeper of his mother's light...but like any mom I keep the next thought to myself instead of vocalizing another mom's piece of advice which I am sure he does not want to hear"didn't I tell you to flush the toilet after you use it?" ahhhh children....

The Mexican Milk Snake

Oh where to begin, this odd conversation oddly enough started in my mom's kitchen while three females, myself, sis in law, and sister were cosuming my mom's world famous papa soup. Ok so maybe not world famous but gone none the less. My sister who works in a pet store told us of an incident of where she reported to work and was promptly informed that one of the snakes had gotten loose, my mom proceeds to inform us that she would never grace that store with her presence due to the snake getting loose as she is horribly afraid of those creatures. Anyway, she my sister, proceeds to tell us of a snake affectionatly named the (mexican milk snake).It gets better from there, according to my mom, she once heard of a story of a milk snake, here is where it gets weird. According to legend the snake was sucking a women's breast to take the milk, as the legend has it this is what they do....the woman reportedly did not feel this (sucking) going on, of course once the snake was done drinking it left....hHHMMMMm...I'll leave that alone(chuckling)...anyway, the only way to get rid of this menace ..at least to get it to stop sucking your breasts is to boil the breast milk and the snake will leave...obviously disgusted with this barberic way of handleing breast milk...of course this opens up awhole lot of topics and of course mental pictures...let me paint a few for you... 1. milk snake wearing a t-shirt that states on the front..."HOOTERS"...the back of t-shirt"I break for breasts"....2. so called milk snake on the hunt for well endowed women with big breasts (of course they must have milk)...3. how the hell does a woman not feel a snake or any other thing sucking her breasts????..mental picture....putting on bra and noticing some sort of slimy odd colored creature hanging from my breasts and thinking nothing of it....quick boil some breast milk ...that will teach him....so my fellow women please take heed of my warning if you feel something sucking your breasts and its not your child or husband it may just be a "mexican milk snake" Milk it does a body or snake good>>>heheheheheheheh

I didnt' do shit today

Yea for me I did not do shit today!!!yes at work I did not do shit, I take that back I talked about the Human Resource bitch....not much to say though, she's a bitch...and wait I flipped off a bad driver...oh yeah I talked shit to one of my co-workers...boy am I tired. oh yeah I made fun of my sisters dog...the one I call bastard...I sat at work on my sweet ass and got paid for it...I have no shame ...(smiling)..wait I did hear a corny joke...two peanuts walk into a bar and one was assaulted.....hee ..hee..damn I love myself sometimes ....hee hee
I love you cecekins!!!!

My fascinating life.....

My day starts the same way almost every day but I have a few guilty little pleasures along the way. I awake tired even though my old tired body has gotten about 7 hours of sleep, I look over to the Devinmiester's crib where he is exercising to the music he no doubt hears in his sweet head, there he is on all fours rocking back and forth in sync with his little drummer boy, he hears me he turns and looks and does what most men do he acknowledges my presence with a mere chin tilt. I then look over to my husband who does not acknowledge my presence but so peacefully snores away...I leave my angels and go to bathe , I unlike my husband who showers in the night must wash the night dirt off, no my bed is clean but I have this feeling of sleep dust that I must shower away. After my shower I go to the laundry room and let the dog out, who by the way just had five puppies, one passed so now she has four, two boys and two girls..couldn't be me I can barely manage with one. I let her out to pee and crap as she comes back in to start her motherly duties allowing those puppies to suck the life out of her she passes the donor..(Salem) an appropriate name for this murderer of life ..later I'll explain she turns and tries to bite his narrow ass in passing, I then in symphony with her call him appropriatly "bastard" he turns his ugly face up and walks away, I finish it off with peebag, he still pays me no mind..so I shake my little hand at him, in the form of a fist...oh well
Stop in the kitchen and fix a bottle for my Devinmiester, heat some extra milk for the dog ..allow her to gulp it down real quick so she can go back to having the life sucked out of her, she gives me this look of "help me", I say what my mom would say to me if I complained of motherhood"you should have not opened your legs if didn't want a baby" with that thought out I go to the room with the warm of nectar of what oddly smells like rotten milk but my baby likes it so go figure and ask the question I ask my husband every morning"do you want me to get ready in the other room?". Of course the answer is always no and so I proceed to get my war paint to attempt to dress up my plain face. I go to wake up my other angel..Josh and remind him another day to work towards his Playstation II, he will get it regardless for his 9th birthday but I want him to work towards something...I return to the room and realize I have 20 minutes to finish getting ready for work so I apply my war paint in a hurry, tear up the closet frantically and bitch about how fat I feel, my husband listens contently and says "I told you, you are beautiful to me" I respectfully roll my eyes and hurridly finish dressing, yell at Josh to get his shoes on and then run to the car, load up and then drop him off, at times he's lucky I stop and don't just slow down and push him out...(kidding)...I then drive by speed racer to my job I kindly call my "hell hole" along the way I call my Cecekins and let her in on all the family DRAMA, I then proceed to bitch about all the bad drivers, excluding myself of course...Then I work!!ok so I pretend...my pleasures, watching my baby work out ...hearing my husband snore....seeing another poor mom having the life sucked out of her...calling (Salem) choice names...fixing my babies first meal of the day..getting dressed every day faster than the previous day...bitching about all the bad drivers on the way to work...driving like a bat out of hell..talking to my cecekins on the way to work...talking to mark on the way to work...and Thanking God for one more day....Thank you.........................................Julia

my mom

well where to begin to talk about the woman who gave me life, I heard she was going to the island today with her best friend...hmmm. I think my mom at the beach, this beautiful creature who gave me life..having fun...peeshaw I say...let me tell you why. This woman, my mother, wife to my beloved father..the great giver of life...anyway, I remember coming home one day and telling my mom or rather crying to my mother the boys at school are calling me a boy, keep in mind I am 14 at the time, this angers my mom, my hero, my beautician..yes beautician...picture this..wings plastered to my head resembling a helmet, of course kept in place with enough hairspray to finish off the hole in ozone.anyway, her reply"mija, (this is what she called me when she was trying to comfort, I of course held other names when she angered)mija, just lift your shirt and show them you are not a boy" what????????no!!!i did not do it, can you imagine(chuckling to myself). my mom is the queen of come backs..i come home and say that bitch at work told me i should have turned in the paper work alot earlier. mom"you should have said why so your damn job would be easier?"..I say at the store a car parked too close to me..she says you should have left them a note with "next time leave me a can opener asshole to open my door next time"..My mom, my hero, my wonderful comebacker...the one I can always count on to talk shit when I can't, ok, I can but when I feel like having someone else do it...the funny thing about my mom is she will say"I dont know where you girls get your damn mouth from dammit, but it sure is hell wasnt from me"..gotta love her dammit...gotta, so mom have fun you fun loving gal and say a few choice words for me,,,shit.....

RED DEVIL LAND

This is in reply to my sis in laws take on Red Devil...how dare ye be jealous of the mighty red devil...I too like my brother have developed quite the fondness for the sauce of the forbiden pleasure...my dad started this whole obsession one day for me when he took boiled eggs and potatoes and gingerly cut them into slices and then lovinly poured the sweet nectar of chilis all over them....he then delicately picked up each slice with all the love in his hands and savored the taste of the tasty morcel he had made , I sat in the back ground, hovering in the darkness like a criminal..a criminal I say..ready to steal a piece once this man turned his back, all I needed I would tell myself is one second...one second...tick...ok maybe two seconds....there he put his plate on the counter..I move in like a shadow of darkness to covet the plate of love food...#@%&, there is no more..that man, my mom's husband, father to her children, son to my grandparents...brother to his siblings ATE IT ALL!!!
Well now, now what ? I am left to suffer ..but wait the juice is on the plate...ahhhh, the juice I pick up the plate, let out a laugh, you know the one, the evil laugh, like the citibank commercials and then I do it...I put it to my lips and allow the juice to slide into my mouth...first my tongue burns ...a sweet burn, then my throat burns...the kind of burn that you feel when you consume some guilty pleasure...ahhhh, there it goes and then its over..its gone..so I put the plate down and stare at it as if by some miracle some more may appear but alas it does not...Life moves on and I start to walk out of the kitchen...and then it happens, it calls to me one last time so I look back and a tear wells up as I stare at IT..the RED DEVIL..and I hear it...until next time Julia, until next time...now some twenty six years later I still hunger for it..the love of the devil..THE ALMIGHTY RED DEVIL...so woman take your place where you should and accept it..for the love does not die...NOT I SAY!!!!

Men!!!!!!

Today was interesting to say the least, how do we have debates that do not make sense? let me rephrase that don't make sense to women.Picture this two men and two women in one room and the men make their opinions known to the women. subject women who are too big for them...one man 6"1 about 240 and the other 5"9 pushing 240...now they tell us they won't date women who are bigger than them..what the fuck!! there I am staring and wondering what is bigger than them so I ask ...they clarify women who are bigger than them or rather wider...wider???confused to say the least I have many a times walked behind both these men and had to look at the junk in their trunk as the saying goes..but with these men it looks like tires..flat tires in the cadillac size trunk...now this is where it gets even freakier....one man, the shorter of the two tells me he will not date a women who has children..perplexed look on my face....his justification...all women who have children seem to have large asses..yes he said asses...ass is what I am thinking at this point...then I get mad I have three beautiful boys how dare this pig make me wonder if my ass is large because of my angels...who by the way will one day be men...oh lordee...one day will they have the same mentality of this 240 pound pig that barely fits in the chair next to me ???Please noooooooo....
I can not and will not leave the subject alone so I start the war of words..oh painful words how they roll of my now forked tongue of hellish thoughts...I continue to probe this man's tiny organ he calls a brain ...oh all the while the other man is agreeing with the first moron...his reasoning... I dont want a woman who has children from a previous relationship he calls them luggage...Shoot now and take no prisoners...I sing the song from "Martina Mcbride" "This ones for the girls" I raise my sword and swing hoping to chop someones penis off and its not mine....what the hell makes you think a woman would want you around their children, what kind of positive role model could you two be..look kids this is how you let yourself go...not having a waist line but instead a donelap belt..(stomach done lapped over)..this is how you deny you are going bald and do a bad imitation of the Great Donalds do....the reason you say stupid ass things like that is because you cant get woman who have children...they (women with kids)already have one dumb ass in their lives..their exes they dont need another one....oooops did I say that outloud???shit i guess I did...
Women of the world with kids..dont pay attention to the dumbasses that are looming out there...they are single for a reason..no man is worth putting your angels to the side one day the one will come along who loves for the sake of loving and living..and for the record I love my ass!!!and as for everything else you can buy a man in a box for 59.99 at Dolar Video and best part is it does not talk back or get fat and when you want it to shut up you turn it off....enough said.....
Julia

my canadian

This piece is dedicated to my sweet canadian, my man is turning 35 on Monday August 9, oh where to start...
My sweet husband and I met on the internet..and well we did not hit it off exactly he was going through a breakup of a ten year marriage and I was coming out of an engagement...His marriage had hit the rocks five years earlier and I had just figured out the man I thought I should marry was not the man I should have been with at all...any way we started conversing on the net and a while later we started talking on the phone...He e-mailed me a picture of himself and there were the prettiest pair of blue eyes I had ever seen...Red hair, blue eyes and so much sensitivity....He then became my best friend and before too long he was the first voice in the morning and the last voice at night....He divorced and we talked about our future, a future I really did not think would ever happen, you hear all the stories of the internet, someone always turns out to be not what they said they were and your'e left with mixed feelings and alot of confusion...he told me he would be here in March and I thought yeah right...but I'll be damned he came down and three and a half years later he still takes my breath away ..I left alot out but trust me it's all good...He is my best friend..my foundation..my heart and my soul live for him...He has listened to my fears and laughed at my jokes..not all are funny ..hard to believe...he has taught me love is not supposed to hurt and I am allowed to love without fear of everything falling apart...he held me when me dad died and understood how I felt without me telling him...he finishes my thoughts and loves me dispite of myself...he gave up his life in Canada and took on mine here in Texas..he understood when I cried and told him I could not leave my mom alone because I need to make sure she is ok...he has done all this and not asked anything in return except that I be honest...So honestly Mark James Iliffe I love and adore and cherish, thank you for all you have done for me and my kids thank you for giving me your son and thank you for loving me..I finally know what love is and I finally know what it is to love someone other than my kids unconditionally and without judgement...Te Amo Mis Ojos....
I only ask one more thing from the Lord may he take me before you, I would not be able to live without you, and as always may your voice be the last one I hear as I leave this earth.....
Julia Iliffe(canadian at heart)

The Mighty Bud Lite

This piece is directed to any poor beer drinker who has had to hear that saying "how can you drink that, it tastes like pee".Ok, so where to begin...I like beer, take that back I love beer, my favorite saying is after a long hard day at the office.."I'm going to stop by the store and pick up six of my closest friends...I know could it get any cheesier? Well probably not, but oh well..
Anyway, back to I LOVE BEER!!!!!!Don't get me wrong I don't live on skid row because of this love but I will admit if I did not have to work, and did not have a wonderful family and did not have to pay bills and could afford to be unemployed I might consider that address...
Just the other day a lady at work askes"how can you drink that, it tastes like pee?". My heart stops for a second I feel my blood or rather I think I actually hear my blood pumping through my veins and before I know it, there it is, the remark****How do you know what pee tastes like? Have you ever had any?
The room gets quiet and everyone waits..tick...tick...tick...tick...and so on and so on and so on.....
Well(pause)no, (pause) ....sigh...this person has made me , well upset..and then I think about it..made me mad for what reason? Is it because she does not understand me?or because she said it tastes like pee? no, sigh, I think it's because ...well ..hell...I don't know why...
So I leave the office not happy with the ending to my near battle to protect my hobby..drinking beer, but nonetheless satisfied that somewhere in the world a fellow drinker is picking up six of their closest friends and enjoying the urine of sweet hopps and barley..so until then my fellow weekend drinkers...drink on...drink on...for come this weekend I too will make the trip to the coveted urinal which carries the name BUD LITE...

ah the great Vaginal Rejuvination

I was thinking of what my wonderful sis in law wrote in her blog of the conversation of this wonderful procedure that has somehow managed to find its way to a billboard near my house..as I drive past that sign everyday my imagination developes a mental picture from the words "VAGINAL REJUVINATION"
I imagine somewhere in the world is a vagina that has just had that procedure done and it when exposed to the world has rays of light luminating from it..and the sounds of horns can be heard as this great organ is exposed..
Now, what I ask could they possibly do to a womans organ to rejuvinate? give it new life?a new face? a new liplift?yes I said liplift...HHHmMMMM...
So I find many people have a theory of this glorious procedure...my husband says"they tighten it" tighten it?
sounds odd I think...My co-worker says they clean it, clean it?another co-worker says, they buff it, buff it?
So I am now left to ponder what the ___do they do to that simple organ that just sits there for the most part and minds its own business..my sis in law and myself listened as our wonderful husbands gave their theories..
None of which make any sense to me...I think YIKES...that area is so sensitive I cringe at the thought of any one doing any of those things to it...so there I am, curious , but afraid to find out what really happens to that simple organ..that does many a glorious things...the best is that it is the entrance way for children..so the thought of it needing rejuvination sounds odd to me...perhaps a vacation after all that hard work..
I think I'll leave that procedure to the women who need it...mine well it may not have rays of light shining from it and it may not look like it just came out of the factory but it is happy...and most important its safe ...
So as I drive past the sign the music fades and the lights fade away and we drive home(unrejuvinated) but safe.
Julia

those booooobs!!!!!

well today started as normal as i guess any day can start if you call the baby throwing up on you, some dumb female driver cutting you off and realizing you have more work than time on your hands...oh well...interesting thought i had today or rather a few interesting thoughts. let's start those boobs..yeah you read right boobs meaning breasts...there i said it...i sat and thought how over rated those %$#things are..when i think about it they are almost like children...they want to be dressed up in nice clothes, ei. lacy bras...overpriced lacy bras that is..they need to be held and loved like kids...they need air and water and cream and food to keep them in tip top condition...that is if you do not want them to look old before their time...and then in the long run they let you down or rather they let themselves down...they give in to gravity and they realize they are getting older and they decide they do not have to hang around they decide to hang down....way down....you see how things work??hmmmm , leaving me being grateful i am not that well endowed dont get me wrong i am not the president of the itty bitty titty commitee but i am not hung like well you get the picture...peter piper has a billboard up a purple dinasour holding up a slice of pizza with a pepperoni on the end of on the side of the road i imagine that is what my boobs as i affectionately call them will look like when it comes their time to hang around or rather down. so ladies of the world whether you have small, medium or large take care of them for you will one day find they like children have their good, wonderful and sad to say lazy days. it all comes down to the same thing one day you will wake up and find that the children (booobs)have decided they just want to hang around or down what ever the case may be..and you of course will be left holding the bill or bra.....until next time... Julia