what the %%*#

i was almost through with my new posting when some ___popped up on my screen and deleted everything I just typed that sucked..as i was saying my baby, Devin is his name is in the room singing sweet songs of woe to me it goes like this IIIIIeieeieieieiei...then HHMmmmm and then Iououuuuuoooo...i think thats means i love you mom, your wonderful , and sweet yeah right huh? well it was a nice thought. he has his daddys blue eyes and light hair and oh LORD his temper...my husband used to be a red head...well used to be with the years his hair is now beige...i tell him this and he rolls his beautiful eyes at me so hard i think i can hear them roll against the back of his head...my husband deals with me on a need to basis...pretty much i need to so she will shut up....he loves me in spite of myself and i so often tell him i dont deserve him and then he replies yes you do...he is so sweet to me...he has taken care of me in the worst of situations even when i got stinkin drunk to the point of not walking, passing out in the restroom, of course this was before my Devin...my husband is hands down my favorite person, he works at Lowes and has so much patience in his job, i can admit i dont...i have watched him help customers to the point where he walks them to the check out counter out of kindness the only reason i would walk them there is to get rid of them...God bless my husband he is a true gentleman and he makes beautiful kids....Te Amo Mis Ojos por siempre e por vida
julia

my man

well its 1:30 in the morning and here I am writing or typing, my sweet husband lays in bed and sleeps as does my 8year old and 9month old, my world if full of wonderful men...DeAndre called and told me he misses me as always I promised him I will go and take care of that thing we spoke of him moving here...i will....my husban wonderful man that he is puts up with so much from me..too much I tell myself, would i put up with me i often ask myself...no i have to answer myself, i feel i am so self centered thinking only of my happiness is that not the way its supposed to be?hummmm...i dont know...he is so patient and so handsome, caring, sharing, sexy, wonderful and just so him.....i thank the Lord no one ever saw what a wonderful man he was if they had i would not have him...Mark , if you read this I love you my wonderful husband...
julia

the sound of my heart

my chocolate left today this morning around 7am since then i have been left in a daze, hurting, crying but most of all being angry...mostly at myself for not having the courage 10 and half years ago to stand up to that man and fight him for my son....His name is DeAndre..he had it hard from the start i almost lost him twice, then when he was born with a stomach defect i almost lost him when he was one month old..thats how long it took the doctors to figure what was wrong with him. So there we were me and him at one month old in the hospital waiting...waiting...finally finding out what his illness was and finding out it would take a whole year of medication to get it under control. so my baby has been fighting all his life pretty much..so i did not have the heart to put him through any more pain at two years of age, yet my ex's exact words were i dont care what it does to him I will fight you....there you have it, me backing off for fear of hurting my baby and now paying for it on a daily basis. i look into his eyes and see pain..mostly lonliness...he misses me....i miss him...he loves me i love him he needs me and i sooooo need him....I pray to the Lord help me....guide me....take care of my chocolate..I used to say when DeAndre was a baby he would look at me like i could do no wrong, I said if I ever met a man who looked at me that way I would marry him...Enter Mark....the love of my life..I can think of five other men on my love list...my father, who passed this past year...my brother, who I admire...and my three angels....DeAndre, Josh, and Devin...Mark my foundation, best friend..soul mate, my friend...my friend...yes my friend....does not judge me, but just loves me, even when i dont love myself..this is one of those times...I hate myself for so many things....i want to jump into my car and go get my baby....the law..i think  of the law and how they would lock me up for kidnapping my son...sounds so stupid..for taking my son I would be locked up...i gave birth..i carried him....IIIIIIIIII did not him...Im so angry.....so Ill end this endless chatter that is probably not making sense anymore...cause i hurt....hurt...%$# i hurt......

my chocolate

i listen for the sweet sound of my oldest son...there it is the sweet sound of his street slang"why you all up in my koolaid dont even know the flava?" not what every mom wants to hear..huh?yet as long its his sweet voice saying it i dont mind. my son lives 500 miles away from me physically and one million, congillion..trillion miles away from me in my heart. my lonely heart that breaks each time he leaves my side and dies each time he says  goodbye. keep in mind he comes every summer and holidays but each time he leaves me he grows another year and each year i see him my mind races to what i missed... cant miss what you dont have...bull#@*..I miss what i want...I WANT MY BABY BACK!!!!!!!!
the story is long and by all accounts should be on a Jerry Springer Show so I could knock my ex's lights out...until this past year  i could not say the ex's name without it being followed with shit, ass, bastard....and its not that i have become a better person but i caught myself in front of my son just about to say one of those choice words when i looked into my chocolates brown eyes and realized it hurt....him....he loves him, i cant remember why or if i ever did but dammm he loves him. so i must contain my anger towards this man who i affectionately refer to as sperm donor and bear it...all the anger must be put aside and ignored in his presence.
so it all started when he was two and a half...the seperation..not by choice but by necessity long story, my son is now 13 and saying mom i want to stay with you....with that i choke back the tears and look into those brown eyes and promise next year baby...next year...my son replies I'll be ready mom..next year...
what to do except bear it the seperation again, swallow my pride, harden what is left of my heart and go on...as i have for the past 10 and half years loving my son and living to love him...and as he walks away seeing the two and half year old waving goodbye to me and dying inside as he fades into the horizon for another year...
my sweet chocolate ...next year....next year....next year.....next year....next year....next year...yes, next year.

I would like to take the time to thank the one who gave this idea to me, my sis in law, thank god I only have one..just kidding...but I only have one none the less. We both seem to have alot in common besides my brother. I love to laugh she loves to laugh..i love my husband she is obsessed with her husband..i love my kids she loves her kids..she loves her dogs i used to have a dog i loved. my brother one day came to me and told me of this female friend(winking eye) he met, she gave him this tape to listen to when he was going through a rough time. i listened intently...to him not the music it all sounded like nails going down a chalkboard..lol..
but nonetheless i listened as he spoke of this mysterious female...i came to realize he was in love...sad to say i dont recall ever seeing or hearing my brother this way until then. fast foward to now, it has been years, yes i say years since this mysterious female entered my life and completed my brothers and i still feel like we are in the honeymoon period of our relationship..still learning...still pondering one another...still laughing at each others quirks...my maybe we two should be married....bare with me cecekins we have a long way to go.....
                                                                            love you......the jules..