one more day

Life seems so short and so long at times, I dont know if that makes sense to anyone but me but that is the way I feel sometimes. I have family members that I do not understand and I am sure do not understand me. Today it was another wasted day at work and I left work wondering if I was ever going to catch up with my work. I go to school on Thursdays and I am finding it hard to balance my life or rather time between work and my family and school. I have been in school a little over seven months now and it seems to have all gone in a blur. I long for day that I do not have to worry about the thirty clients I take care of, I manage their services, I have been in the field now sixteen years and at times I am absorbed by their needs and wants. Life is strange, I deal with alot of individuals with many needs and I am only one link in their life. Family has eluded most of them, or having family in their lives to provide support. I find myself wondering how people could walk away from their blood. I was talking to a friend who is studying the bible and I had so many questions for him, he answered so many things I had always wondered about now I need to find the link I need. I know I need to put more faith in God and allow him to completely take over or shall I say hand over my pain and put all my faith in his hands. I know he is there I cannot count how many times he has made himself visible to me. I have seen his beauty in so many ways, in the eyes of my individuals, in my son's eyes, in my husband's love, in my children's laughter in my mom's hugs. I rant on like a crazy person at times, my thoughts run from A to Z and sometimes it does not stop to make sense not even to me. I get lost in my thoughts and words, I have so much to say, not much makes sense at least not to others. I was married when I was nineteen and my husband died two and half weeks after we married. I had my first born and went to custody fights with his father and I had to let go of my fight, he had more money than I did and the court dates took place five hundred miles from where I was living. I had him for the holidays and all summers, finally my ex gave him to me when he turned thirteen and he, his father admitted he only fought me to hurt me. So why can't I hate him? I hurt the ones that don't deserve it. I am a good person I took care of my grandmother, father until they passed and now I take care of my mom. I want to take care of myself but I don't know how, I am lost and scared and don't know where to turn. I hope to figure this out...sometime.
Julia

One more try

Well let's see, it's now 2007, July 21,2007 to be exact and so MANY things have changed. I am still working as a Case Manager for the same company. My youngest is three going on four and my second born is eleven going on twelve, my oldest just turned sixteen and I am now in my six year of marriage. I have all boys, three gorgeous boys, although some may say all moms say that I know my boys are gorgeous, it's not just vanity. I am not contributing their good looks to me by any means, they just have good genes. I am now in college and six months into it I find it is hard....but I only....only....have three more years to go. I am now working towards a Bachelors in Behavioral Science, and at the ripe young age of ...(coughing) thirty nine, some say that I am crazy. Well so be it, then crazy I am and loving it. I have now found I am capable of having friends, real friends, the kind that would give their life for you and you would do the same for them if the circumstances called for it. I have found I am focused, at least a lot more than I was in high school, this is not to say that I am able to do any better in school.
I have grown as an individual, lost twenty pounds, quit drinking, have better friends, more in love with my husband than I was six years ago.
I have finally learned to cope with the passing of my father, going on four years now, learned to appreciate my mother for raising seven children, although my father was there, he was an alchoholic and she was pretty much on her own. We do not always see eye to eye but we love each other, this makes it alot easier to take care of her. I do not see it as an obligation, but more as a privilage. I took care of my father for quite a while and learned through this process, we are all going to regress at some point, and one can only pray that when our time comes we don't know or we are blessed enough to have someone to take care of us. I wish to never reach that point, I hope to pass instead of having my children worry about me, but those who wish for it are the ones that linger and those who want to be here go first.
I pray that I go before my husband and have told him many times that his voice is the last one I want to hear on my way out, as his voice has always been able to calm me. But enough of that I plan or hope to be around a little bit longer, a college education should not be wasted especially when you are paying for it.
Me and my husband plan to renew our wedding vows this next year, what could one wish for most than to be lucky enough to marry the man of your dreams not just once but twice. I often tell him that if I had to go through all the hard times all over again I would in a second if I knew he was at the end of it all, my angel, my husband.
I hope to improve my writing skills with this blog, as well as vent from time to time. I am a true believer that stupidity is not a condition but rather a selected way to live, may the stupid avoid my path and the light of those I may learn from enter my life. Please feel free to offer advice as I am a believer in shared knowledge, I would gladly learn from someone else than take a path and find it was the wrong one. Take a ride with me if you want and I will make it as interesting as I can. Live and let live, love and be loved.
Julia