one more day

Life seems so short and so long at times, I dont know if that makes sense to anyone but me but that is the way I feel sometimes. I have family members that I do not understand and I am sure do not understand me. Today it was another wasted day at work and I left work wondering if I was ever going to catch up with my work. I go to school on Thursdays and I am finding it hard to balance my life or rather time between work and my family and school. I have been in school a little over seven months now and it seems to have all gone in a blur. I long for day that I do not have to worry about the thirty clients I take care of, I manage their services, I have been in the field now sixteen years and at times I am absorbed by their needs and wants. Life is strange, I deal with alot of individuals with many needs and I am only one link in their life. Family has eluded most of them, or having family in their lives to provide support. I find myself wondering how people could walk away from their blood. I was talking to a friend who is studying the bible and I had so many questions for him, he answered so many things I had always wondered about now I need to find the link I need. I know I need to put more faith in God and allow him to completely take over or shall I say hand over my pain and put all my faith in his hands. I know he is there I cannot count how many times he has made himself visible to me. I have seen his beauty in so many ways, in the eyes of my individuals, in my son's eyes, in my husband's love, in my children's laughter in my mom's hugs. I rant on like a crazy person at times, my thoughts run from A to Z and sometimes it does not stop to make sense not even to me. I get lost in my thoughts and words, I have so much to say, not much makes sense at least not to others. I was married when I was nineteen and my husband died two and half weeks after we married. I had my first born and went to custody fights with his father and I had to let go of my fight, he had more money than I did and the court dates took place five hundred miles from where I was living. I had him for the holidays and all summers, finally my ex gave him to me when he turned thirteen and he, his father admitted he only fought me to hurt me. So why can't I hate him? I hurt the ones that don't deserve it. I am a good person I took care of my grandmother, father until they passed and now I take care of my mom. I want to take care of myself but I don't know how, I am lost and scared and don't know where to turn. I hope to figure this out...sometime.
Julia

One more try

Well let's see, it's now 2007, July 21,2007 to be exact and so MANY things have changed. I am still working as a Case Manager for the same company. My youngest is three going on four and my second born is eleven going on twelve, my oldest just turned sixteen and I am now in my six year of marriage. I have all boys, three gorgeous boys, although some may say all moms say that I know my boys are gorgeous, it's not just vanity. I am not contributing their good looks to me by any means, they just have good genes. I am now in college and six months into it I find it is hard....but I only....only....have three more years to go. I am now working towards a Bachelors in Behavioral Science, and at the ripe young age of ...(coughing) thirty nine, some say that I am crazy. Well so be it, then crazy I am and loving it. I have now found I am capable of having friends, real friends, the kind that would give their life for you and you would do the same for them if the circumstances called for it. I have found I am focused, at least a lot more than I was in high school, this is not to say that I am able to do any better in school.
I have grown as an individual, lost twenty pounds, quit drinking, have better friends, more in love with my husband than I was six years ago.
I have finally learned to cope with the passing of my father, going on four years now, learned to appreciate my mother for raising seven children, although my father was there, he was an alchoholic and she was pretty much on her own. We do not always see eye to eye but we love each other, this makes it alot easier to take care of her. I do not see it as an obligation, but more as a privilage. I took care of my father for quite a while and learned through this process, we are all going to regress at some point, and one can only pray that when our time comes we don't know or we are blessed enough to have someone to take care of us. I wish to never reach that point, I hope to pass instead of having my children worry about me, but those who wish for it are the ones that linger and those who want to be here go first.
I pray that I go before my husband and have told him many times that his voice is the last one I want to hear on my way out, as his voice has always been able to calm me. But enough of that I plan or hope to be around a little bit longer, a college education should not be wasted especially when you are paying for it.
Me and my husband plan to renew our wedding vows this next year, what could one wish for most than to be lucky enough to marry the man of your dreams not just once but twice. I often tell him that if I had to go through all the hard times all over again I would in a second if I knew he was at the end of it all, my angel, my husband.
I hope to improve my writing skills with this blog, as well as vent from time to time. I am a true believer that stupidity is not a condition but rather a selected way to live, may the stupid avoid my path and the light of those I may learn from enter my life. Please feel free to offer advice as I am a believer in shared knowledge, I would gladly learn from someone else than take a path and find it was the wrong one. Take a ride with me if you want and I will make it as interesting as I can. Live and let live, love and be loved.
Julia

Ok, so it's New Years Eve approximately around 11:00 pm and here I am at home sitting by myself with about four beers in my system. I can hear the fireworks going off in the background and the traffic outside on the streets of my neighborhood. So I am here with my two year old sleeping, my mom sleeping and my favorite uncle sleeping and me, well as I said I am drinking a beer or two by myself. My husband was nice enough and I am not being sarcastic about it, to take our two other sons to a gathering in the next town to celebrate New Years Eve around plenty of fire works. I decided to stay home with our two year old as he is not feeling well and does not like fireworks. This is actually worked out to be a good decision as he is not feeling well anyway. I have alot to be grateful for this year, my family, my job, my friends, my weight loss and my sanity. This year my oldest son, DeAndre is with my family, previously he lived 500 miles away and this year he decided he wanted to live with me for good. This makes me very happy considering 12 years ago I was forced to give him to his dad, this story is in previous blogs. Anyway Thank You Lord for your blessings, Thank you for my children, my family and my wonderful husband.....My angel, mis ojos, I can only say Happy New Year to all and best wishes for the new year.

Julia

My good day..

Well it's been awhile since I've been able to blog, or really since I have had time to blog. This has been a wonderful outlet for me to put my thoughts down, and I have had alot to think about. Since my last blog my son turned two, my oldest son came to live with me. My mom continues to be the focus of my life, most of my thoughts and concerns center around her and how she is doing. This November 28th will be two years since my father left this world to go on to a better life. Time has not made it easier to deal with his passing and I still find myself crying over his loss. This past week I did what I have said to myself I would never do I went to see a lady who says she can see the ones that have passed on. I am the biggest skeptic when it comes to these kind of things, but mind was changed on that day. It started with a phone call to her business, of all things she runs a photograph studio for a living so this is as she states something she does to help people such as myself deal with the passing of loved ones. I go to my 3:00 pm appointment with thoughts of turning around and going home. Something tells me go to the appointment, if I walk away I will forever be left with the thought of What If?
Ok, I compose myself and walk through her doors not knowing what to expect, the office, yes, office is normal looking, what whas I expecting? Maybe pictures of I don't know what, what I find is pictures of normal looking families, photography studio right? Yes, that's what it is filled with smiles of people, happy looking people. So I knock on her door, then there she is, normal looking by all accounts, pretty brown eyes, brown hair, I am guessing around 40. She greets me, Julie right? Yes, I gave her my name when I made the appointment, no guessing there. She tells me in a laughing voice, your aura is all over the place, calm down, nothing to be nervous about. Ok, I'm here just do this. Sit down she says and points to a normal looking chair, I sit and start to think negative thoughts, like what am I doing here? Ok, she says, all I need is your father's birthday...Hmmm.... I pause...September 4, no year given. She then gives me some cards to shuffle and then instructs me to pick out eight cards....so I do what she requests... she takes them from me and then proceeds to lay them down in front of me..The first thing she says..I am having problems breathing...your father is showing me hard to breath, this is why he passed..I am taken back by this, my father's lung collasped I tell her, she states, he wanted to leave, he was ready, he says you know this. I catch my breath, this is true...he told me the night he was admitted to the hospital he wanted to leave...I asked the hospital? he says no, I want to die, it's time. What does a daughter say to her father when he says this? Next card, you have your fathers truck? Shit, I think how does she know this, she proceeds, he is gesturing you need to turn it on, it's just sitting there.. she is right it has not been moved in a couple of months. I see him wearing a hat with a brim... he is showing me pictures...you have a picture of him in this hat and he is around 18 or 20. Again, she is right there is a picture of him at home when he was around 20, wearing a brim hat, he was a lowrider in his youth. I start to cry at this point, I feel she is seeing him, I long to see him. I cry as I type this out, so much pain... anyway, she says your father was around 60 when he passed, again I catch my breath..he was 61, he had just turned 61 two months he passed. She proceeds..you have one brother...your father says he is taking this hard, he's not suicidal but has thought a part of him died with your father...he is living with regret, and guilt. Your father says you need to tell him to let go and forgive himself for this, as your father has forgiven him. She knows too much I think, I am scared of what else dad is saying. She is right, one brother who is not dealing with his death well. She proceeds, he talks to your father at the cemetary...your dad says not to talk to him there, the other spirits are listening and he does not like that..he was a private person.. she is right again. She told me much more that day but these are the things that stand out in mind... I have a sense of closure with this, I worried about my dad.. I was there the day he passed and I spent the night telling him I loved him and it was ok to let go and leave if this is what he needed to do...I always wondered if he heard me and if he knew how much I missed him and loved him...she assures me he heard you and loves you. Before you leave she states he is always with you, you talk to him alot...she is right, alot of times I drive and talk to him and I feel he is listening and answering me at times. He says you just have to call, he's there. I still don't know if I totally believe there are alot of people with this gift, but I believe this day she was talking to my father. I now sleep just a little better knowing he is there and he is ok... I love you dad.....I love you...
julia

Christmas..

Well it has been another month since last blogging, things have been so hectic and life gets so busy. Work has been hard and family has been family. My little one is now fourteen months old and my middle child is now nine years old. Time does fly and things change so quick. My husband has been so patient with me and my job and has been my biggest support. I work with Mentally Challenged individuals, I am a Case Manager, that handles their services and finances. I go to work and see these individuals and have to think of how lucky most of us are. There they are with not even half the things that we have and they are content. The simplicity of their lives at times is nice they come to the center and I have the opportunity to talk to so many different people. They are more alike me than different, I wish I had the patience and understanding they have. I have had the pleasure of shopping for them this Christmas season and seeing their faces light up when I bring the presents to their residence.We should all take the time to be grateful for what we have, life could be so much harder. Best Wishes to All for the Holidays.
Julia

It's been so long....

Well I have missed blogging for an entire month, wow, and the month has flown by. At work I went through an audit, my son turned one year old and even started walking,,,he now enters a room and tells everyone hi, It is the cutest thing I have ever seen. Life has been pretty much the same, work is still work, family is still nuts and I by the Grace of God have managed to hold it together for yet one more month. Although I still see life as some sort of odd test I am still going. Today I took on the task of buying some tampons....never in a million years could I have imagined just how complicated even that has become. I go to Wally world"Walmart" for those who dont know....so there I am in the feminine section thinking I will only be a few minutes then off to work I go....WRONG....I look up and there it is the great wall of tampons....my goodness my eyes are absorbing all these different kinds of tampons....tampons that dont have deoderant on them, tampons with braided ends...tampons that expand to look like bats...tampons that have wrappers that dont make noise...make noise???do tampons have the problem of talking too loud...do other people go up to women and smell down there to see if they have tampons that are prefumed? do tampons need braids now? it all sounded too weird...I felt like I was in a car lot and all of a sudden was swamped with the tampon hell...I finally decide on the quiet ones, the ones that make no noise, but I made sure they did not have deoderant...does that make sense...so ok, now I am ready to go I can now look for the simple pads.....AAAAHHHH....now the pads have extras...there are some for small girls, small ladies...large ladies....some that turn the blood into a thick liquid that stays in the middle of the pad...some that have lavender, camamille...what is that about??now I picture vaginas that are so relaxed due to the herbal extras....since when did it become so complicated to be a woman on the rag??? I think to myself should I go get some pills for cramps???I dare not out of fear of what lays in that aisle. So now I am back I will try to blog every night.
Julia

my puff and stuff

I wanted to take the time to write about my puff and stuff also known as the DevinMeister, or bacon bit, or hunk of burning love or chunk of happiness or my sweet piece of love...and so and so on...my puff and stuff made his grand entrance almost one year ago, October 2 to be exact. Now this whole incubation time was no picnic unless you think throwing up all the time is fun and not getting enough sleep is fun or feeling so tired all the time that all you wanted to do was sleep...his was the kind of baby that when I would lay down my fat, bloated body down to rest he would decide it was time to practice soccer with all my organs. My poor husband was besides himself with kindness although I am sure sometimes he felt like strangling me because I would drive him crazy. I ate like no one had ever given me food and then threw it up just as quick. I did however finally develop some nice size boobs although after I had my angel they went in reverse...most women report that their breast size goes up at least one size, mine worked in reverse and actually shrunk I am afraid that if I were to have any more kids I may look like a girl going through puberty....my feet disappeared for a least a few months, I was no longer able to tie my own shoes and I relied on my husband to make sure they were on right. ...he still takes my breath away with his morning workout...and his toothless grin and his floppy hair with small red streaks...he squeals with delight when I catch him doing something he should not be doing which is practically all the time....he does this dance when my mom sings some song that only her and him understand....he gets into the diapers and tears them up if he is given the chance....I do not remember what life was like before him and he reminded of how you can love so much when you have not known them too long...somewhat the way I love his dad....unconditional....unlimited...without restrictions..my little man continues to add to my life and remind me of the beauty of my marriage and one of the reasons I am sure the Good Lord brought us together....to create another perfect little human being...as it stands I am pretty proud of myself I have created and brought into this world three little human beings...my Deandre...my Joshua...and my Devin...it is with all the love in the world I tell my puff and stuff
Happy Birthday my angel...and thank you to the love of my life....my Marcos...because of you I have another person to love....thank you and Happy Birthday Devin....October 2,2003...........mom

my puff and stuff

I wanted to take the time to write about my puff and stuff also known as the DevinMeister, or bacon bit, or hunk of burning love or chunk of happiness or my sweet piece of love...and so and so on...my puff and stuff made his grand entrance almost one year ago, October 2 to be exact. Now this whole incubation time was no picnic unless you think throwing up all the time is fun and not getting enough sleep is fun or feeling so tired all the time that all you wanted to do was sleep...his was the kind of baby that when I would lay down my fat, bloated body down to rest he would decide it was time to practice soccer with all my organs. My poor husband was besides himself with kindness although I am sure sometimes he felt like strangling me because I would drive him crazy. I ate like no one had ever given me food and then threw it up just as quick. I did however finally develop some nice size boobs although after I had my angel they went in reverse...most women report that their breast size goes up at least one size, mine worked in reverse and actually shrunk I am afraid that if I were to have any more kids I may look like a girl going through puberty....my feet disappeared for a least a few months, I was no longer able to tie my own shoes and I relied on my husband to make sure they were on right. ...he still takes my breath away with his morning workout...and his toothless grin and his floppy hair with small red streaks...he squeals with delight when I catch him doing something he should not be doing which is practically all the time....he does this dance when my mom sings some song that only her and him understand....he gets into the diapers and tears them up if he is given the chance....I do not remember what life was like before him and he reminded of how you can love so much when you have not known them too long...somewhat the way I love his dad....unconditional....unlimited...without restrictions..my little man continues to add to my life and remind me of the beauty of my marriage and one of the reasons I am sure the Good Lord brought us together....to create another perfect little human being...as it stands I am pretty proud of myself I have created and brought into this world three little human beings...my Deandre...my Joshua...and my Devin...it is with all the love in the world I tell my puff and stuff
Happy Birthday my angel...and thank you to the love of my life....my Marcos...because of you I have another person to love....thank you and Happy Birthday Devin....October 2,2003...........mom