Daddy...

This piece is dedicated to my sweet dad who passed away in November of 2003 , a day after Thanksgiving...I was there when my dad left this world and that will forever will be burned in my mind..to anyone who has never seen a loved one leave this earth it is two different things..calming watching your loved one who is suffering leave this world with final breath and crushing holding back your words of plea for them not to leave you...I got to the hospital around 7pm I believe and met up with his three sisters who were all sitting around discussing how my father looked better than he had the night before...some info so you may understand better...daddy had been admitted one week earlier with a fever and complaining of pain to his left side..the night he was admitted I met the nurse and attendents at the hospital they explained to me he had a slight fever..daddy had been in the hospital more times than I could remember due to having have had at least 7 strokes...anyway, I figured this will be like all the other times he will be here a few days and then be released...not to be so...I begin to give the nurse daddy's info when he tells me his head and side hurt..I ask the nurse to give something for the pain,,she replies I will give him some Tylenol...hmm I think this wont do it..as does my dad who then begs for a pain killer,,keep in mind this man is or was one of the strongest men I ever knew so I knew it had to be serious for him to request that. I finally convince the nurse to give him something strong, she relunctently gives him a pain killer..he tells me his side hurts again with a pleading voice..I finally convince the nurse to order some x-rays, of course she reminds me that I am not a doctor..but gets the ok for the test...low and behold my dad has a collasped lung..off to intensive care he goes and straight on to the life support system..daddy is in his right mind the whole time and is communicating through blinks for his needs and wants ...he lets me know on a daily basis by pulling out this machine that he wants the system taken off,,,doctors explain this could end his life he indicates this is exactly what he wants as he is tired...back to his final night...the sisters leave and now its me and him..I let him know I am there...he stares at me with no expression but a tear rolls down his face...excuse me for second this is hard...8pm the doctor comes in and explains that since the life support has been taken off Respite will be brought in to help deal with the grief while he passes..ok this will happen in the morning...all set...9pm nurse comes in to take away his breathing treatments as she gently explains since daddy's lung never expanded there was no use for it...I think to myself..damm them taking his machine..10pm I get my CD player and put in Vicente Fernandez, daddy's favorite Mariachi singer and me and him listen to the whole thing as we used to when I would bathe him...the CD player blares out a song that translated sings of eyes of closing and how much the other person wants to be with him...I comb his hair and whisper in his ear how much I love him and love and love him...I sing the song to him and hold him and tell him it's ok that he wants to leave , he has suffered for six long years...long years....in the back of my mind I think 'dont leave me dad, but keep it to myself...2:30am he still stares at me with a lost look but his breathing is now slower and slightly shallow...through the night I tell him how much he's loved by all 7of his kids and his wife,my mom....I tell him again I understand if you have to go all the while my heart breaking over and over again with each painful breath...4:30am his breathing has changed..shallow and fast and that's when I get the courage to ask him a question"do you want to leave?"he blinks twice and in that split second my childhood passed before me, all the times he held me, the ice cream floats he made me..the box he once gave me to put my dreams into..the times he held my kids and kissed me, the times I would leave his room and he would blow small kisses to me with his little finger...the funny things he would say"hot,diggidy dog" the way he would cringe when a feminine commercial would come on....I knew then he was leaving soon...morning came and around 8:30 am he got sick and threw up in his oxygen mask, I kindly ask the nurses to take him a sponge bath, as daddy never liked to be dirty..I went up to daddy and explained to him I would be back....I go and call the family and remind them they must get up there soon as he did not sound well...15 minutes later I return to find the head nurse in search of me..call your family dear..your dad is close....this hurt to hear , what I already knew...I went up to daddy's bed and told him not to go anywhere..this was a personal joke between myself and him as he was bedridden he would laugh and say ok,,this time he did not laugh...I asked the nurse to stay with him...she complied....I went and made the phone calls again...I returned 5minutes later went up to his bed and said daddy I am back.....he then took his last breath and left.....excuse me again....my dad waited until I came back and then honored me with allowing me to see him enter the next stage....his freedom from the body that had confined him for the past six years...I was left in shock...confused., hurt, scared..lonely..afraid..my dad left....in a blink of an eye he left...as he left I saw him once more giving me kisses with his little finger for the last time...I then fell apart...I notified the family sometime that morning....went and closed out some of his personal business and then returned home to talk to my family and assure them he passed peacefully and with dignity..my father had left...I still think about him daily and the many things that he taught me...he taught me to love without hesitation in his final years...my brother is alot like my father and at times I smile when I see my brother not only because he looks just like him but because he acts like him...I feel my father around me sometimes...some say its my imagination, but I don't think so...he's here....Daddy I love you..I miss you..my hero, my favorite maker of ice cream floats....my daddy.....